Thursday, March 12, 2009

The ABC's of crap in my purse

Disclaimer: Yes, that is a pricey Fossil purse with paint on it. But in my defense, it was a gift from my sister. She feels sorry for me because I have chosen to live a life devoid of overpriced accessories, so she buys me expensive purses, Pandora bracelets with coordinating overpriced beads to go with, and other fancy stuff for Christmas and birthdays. I had no idea how much that purse costs until I went to get one without paint on it. After pricing them, I decided my purse had character. I bet no one else in town has a chocolate brown Fossil Sutter Crossbody flap bag (don't think I didn't have to do a Google image search to figure out what kind of purse it is) with off-white trim paint strategically dabbed on the credit card zipper pouch. Katdish: trendsetter (CHECK!)

I'm really liking Twitter. There. I said it. (How's that for a segue, huh?) Now, I'll also say this: my friend Steph at the Red Clay Diaries was right. Yeah, Steph. You guilted me into it, but I'm glad I came around. It's really opened up a whole new world of Internet peeps for me, and as you all know, I don't spend nearly enough time on the computer. For example, this chick named
Mandy Thompson started following me. So I go check out her twitter page and her blog. Turns out, she's just like me, except that she's an incredibly gifted musician and is cool. She thinks I'm cool, too. But let's not let that cat out of the bag just yet. She'll figure out what a dork I am sooner or later.

Anyway, Mandy recently wrote a post dedicated to stuff in her purse. It looked really professional with corresponding letters to the stuff all nicely laid out. There was a purpose for everything she had in there. Contrast that to Steph's post awhile back about stuff in her purse. Which is waaayyyy closer to what is in my purse. As it should be, as we are the same person, just in the alternate universes of Texas and Georgia. But I digress...

I really liked the way Mandy lettered the items. So, in attempt to copy her (cuz she's cool), I attempted to do the same with the items in my purse. You would think that someone who actually paints murals and custom artwork as a trade would be able to use the paintbrush function on her computer. And you would be wrong. Painting with a mouse is nothing like painting with a paintbrush. I pretty much suck at it. But still, it took me a long time to designate letters to items from my purse in no particular order, so I'm going with it. Ladies and gentlemen, the ABC's of crap in my purse:

A) Rudy the cat. He is not now, nor has he ever been in my purse.
B) My second Blackberry. I upgraded from my first Blackberry when my dh decided he needed an iPhone. Some people never get a brand new car. I never get a brand new PDA. (Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I dig it.)
C) My business cards, "Ragamuffin Child Interiors" I realize the "child" part is redundant, as the definition of a ragamuffin is "a shabbily dressed child". But would you hire a painter whose company name is "A shabbily dressed child Interiors"? Me thinks not.
D) Large stack of random receipts. I think it's important to keep receipts. Why? Because my husband says so.
E) Pens that I can never find, but have obviously always been in there.
F) Giveaway mirror from my old church.
G) Oil blotting sheets. People, I am very shiny! Those paper toilet seat liners are also great for blotting the excess oil from your face, but by using the little blue sheets you will draw way less attention to yourself in the ladies room. (You're just gonna have to trust me on this one.)
H) Orbit gum - I tease Pete Wilson about chewing gum during interviews, but I'm a fairly prolific gum chewer myself. (Don't tell him I said that.)
I) Eye wetting drops from when I had lasik surgery a year ago. Hey, you never know.
J) Broken pieces from a cheap tic tac toe game that my daughter asked me to hold for her last month.
K) No-slip ponytail holder. I swear by those, especially if you have thick hair.
L) Leftover nail glue and orange stick that I used to apply Lee press-on nails to my ugly man-hands whist attending Catalyst One Day in Alpharetta, GA.
M) Several tubes of lipstick that I almost never wear. Also, one of them is a highlighter.
N) A Speert purse hook. You set the square part down on the edge of a table, and then you can hook your purse on it. Another fancy gift from my sympathetic sister. I've used it once: the day she gave it to me at lunch.
O) Bed, Bath & Beyond and Linens n' Things 20% coupons. You never know when you'll need to buy someone a Snuggie. (I know LNT is out of business - I threw it away.)
P) A bulletin from a church where we guest-led worship a couple of Sundays ago. (Okay, it was mid-January. Are you beginning to see a trend here?)
Q) Business account checkbook.
R) A bag of gourmet coffee that they were giving out at Catalyst One Day.
S) A bag of airline pretzels.
T) A foil pack of Gas-X. (I know, I know -- TMI.)
U) A copy of "Making your Mark: How to leave long, annoying comments on other People's Blogs" by Wordy McTypesalot. You never know when someone's going to ask you for your autograph. It hasn't actually happened yet, but I'm ready!
V) Wallet by "The Sack". I love that wallet, but I don't keep any credit cards or ID in there. It's basically a fancy junk drawer for my purse. I'm pretty sure Waldo's in there.
W) Credit card zipper pouch where I actually keep my credit cards and ID. Incidentally, I almost never use credit cards. I should take most of those out of there and put them in my wallet.
X) Huh....apparently, there is no "X". But I'm not redoing that picture! (Man, I hope Angela doesn't read this. That will drive her nuts! I swear, Angela; I did not do that on purpose this time.)
Y) Tres muchos denaro. (Dang. I'm practically bilingual!)
Z) Correct change for nothing in particular.

I suppose my purse (and the center console in my Jeep) are very much like this:

To my guy readers. Sorry. I hope you didn't get any girl cooties while reading this post. I'll try to write a post with some fart humor and/or gratuitous violence to make up for this one.

Wow. That was a really long post about the contents of my purse. I'm actually kind of embarrassed. But not embarrassed enough not to publish it. (Hit "publish post".)


Nick the Geek said...

I try to stay out of my wife's purse. This is why.

I think purse designers should go into architectural design. Look at all the stuff you have in that little purse. If they built houses like that you could fit a 10,000 square foot mansion on a 1/4 acre city lot.

Annie K said...

Holy crap Katdish.

If you love Twitter, you need to read THIS little bit. There seems to be a lot of sarcasm here in my neck of the woods.

Tony C said...

Fart jokes! I can't wait!

katdish said...

Nick - yeah, but there would be a bunch of lint covered lifesavers all over the place.

Annie - that guy should totally follow me on twitter. I do all of those things.

Anonymous said...

So, is twitter worth it, really? I'm really nervous about finding something else to get hooked into...

C) No, katdish, I'd much rather hire a painter whose company name is "a shabbily dressed child child interiors".

G) I totally agree on the toilet seat thingie! I didn't think anyone else ever did that...

I) Please do a post about lasik. But don't be graphic; I get freaked out about eyes. (Which is why I'll never have lasik. But, maybe you can convince me.)

X) Knowing you, yes you did. :P

Roach motels are nasty. It's creepy when they're still alive in there and they're wiggling around. Roaches take a super long time to die. I know because I once found a mammoth of a roach in my bedroom when I was a kid. I was too grossed out to squish him (you know, because he was the size of a chihuahua), so I trapped him under a cup for two weeks. When I lifted the cup, expecting to scoop his carcass into the toilet, he scurried away like nothing had happened. Ugh. He's probably still alive in my dad's house somewhere. He'd be the size of a border collie by now.

♥ Kathy said...

You have a LOT of stuff in your purse LOL at least it's all little stuff :)

Beth said...

You carry a purse??

If it's winter I stuff everything in my coat pockets.
If it's summer I stuff everything in the diaper bag.
I don't know why I can never find what I need. I lost my wallet w/keys once in a jacket pocket for 8 months. I have also lost entire purses w/ their contents because I don't usually carry them.

Okay, I actually do have a purse. It's pretty cool and my sister-in-law bought it for me.

It stays in the van and collects receipts, expired gift cards, kids' socks and make up (which I apply only in the car roughly 3 times a year).

I need professional help.

Wendy said...

"Those paper toilet seat liners are also great for blotting the excess oil from your face, but by using the little blue sheets you will draw way less attention to yourself in the ladies room."

Is that why everyone stares at me when I pull a potty protector out of my purse and start blotting my face with it? Huh.

Beth in NC said...

Ha! How do you fit the cat into your purse? >:-)

Glad to know someone was honest with the content in her purse! If I took a picture of mine, people would be shocked.

Sherri Murphy said...

I have a bunch of purses 'cause I'm an "accessory girl"-- when you're fat, shoes and purses ALWAYS look good!

Of course I buy them on sale, 'cause I'm a bargain queen.

My purses are loaded down too.

And I don't have time to twitter- I'm trying to find the time to blog.

But I'll MAKE the time to buy a purse on sale- only if it's a REALLY good deal.

Helen said...

Wendy, carry scissors in your purse. Then cut up a couple of those toilet seat covers right there, and keep them in your purse. People will still stare, but only the once. You can whip those squares you cut out all you want, and no one will care.
Receipts and expired coupons. Yep! Same here. Add to that, toothbrush and floss from when I went to the dentist a few months ago, and a wallet. That's about it. There isn't much else that will fit in with all those receipts.

~*Michelle*~ said...

OK, so too funny......I love your style.

every bit of it
your writing, your sense of humor and even your purse with the strategically placed blotch of paint.

And I must tell you that my Crystal Light almost came out my nose with your "I'm shiny" comment.

I also carry a bag-o-crap. It is quite embarrassing when a mint rolls out of my purse with who knows who hair it is and a piece of dog food stuck to it.

My 6 yo daughter is a "but wait there is more" infomercial junkie and she informs me that I need that bag that can keep you organized. Look how happy and successful you can be if you own this butt ugly pleather pocketbook.....but wait! There is more, we'll even throw in this 99 cent gadget that we swear retails for $19.99 as a bonus! happy I stumbled upon your looks fun!


Hucklebuck said...

Be thankful for the Blackberry you have. Some of don't have Blackberries or iPhone. If I want to send an e-mail, I have to do it the old-fashioned way by sitting down at a computer.

Actually, I do have a Palm Treo, but I can't afford the data plan, so I just use it as a tip calculator.

Nicole said...

LOL Katdish! The first thought I had was, "Wow, that looks like my mom's purse!" The contents, that is. Must be a mom thing...I don't have NEARLY as much stuff in my purse. :)

G: I'm so glad there's another adult who's part of the "shiny complexion" club. I keep telling myself that all of the shine is keeping the wrinkles at bay, but it frustrates me to still be dealing with...well, oily skin issues. Anything more may be TMI.

As for the rest of the stuff, I'm a packrat myself. I just empty my purse more often than I clean my "hot spots" of clutter. But I'm getting better. If I believed in reincarnation (which I DON'T) I would think that my previous life took place during the Great Depression. Or maybe I've inherited a genetic trait from my late paternal grandmother (DEFINITELY a packrat). Or maybe I'm just too insecure to get rid of my mountain o' junk because it's a security blanket.

Boy, Katdish, your randomness is making me ramble TOO much. TMI!

Nicole said...

Oh, and one more thing--twitter is fantastic for getting some self-affirmation about your coolness. That's why I like makes me feel hip. :)

Stacy from Louisville said...

Made you look

Helen said...

Hucklebuck- "If I want to send an e-mail, I have to do it the old-fashioned way by sitting down at a computer."
That sooooo cracked me up! I am still laughing while I type. Good one!
I don't have a blackberry or iphone either, but as a stay at home caretaker, I really don't need one.

Candy said...

The cat should be in the purse. Mine would be. That's an awesome cat. But not the awesomest cat.

Gas-X and nail glue for Lee Press-ons qualify you for the Redneck Club, you know. But so would a cat in your purse.

I'm sure glad there was really no "crap" in your purse, but you came mighty close.

katdish said...

So, would a post about all the crap in my purse be considered, "the gift of going first"? I'm going to say yesh!

Angela - I'm not really hooked on Twitter. I can stop anytime I want to. Seriously, it's actually pretty cool. Some people put links to their latest posts, some people tell you EVERY SINGLE THING they all day: "Just heated up a can of soup, watching the home shopping network." You know I've been on twitter for awhile now, since you rejected me as your friend on there (sniff). Use it as much or as little as you want to. My eye surgery freaked me out a little, and they give you valium. It's just weird to know that they're cutting your eye with a laser. Totally worth it though. Do not go cheap. If you ever decide to do it, come down here. The 2 doctors that are considered by many to be the best are here. One of them did mine. I'll let you sleep in Rachel's room. I swear, the "X" was not on purpose, but I thought of you as soon as I noticed it! I could have lived the rest of my life w/o you sharing that roach story. GROSS!

katdish said...

So, I want to know how everyone found out about the whole "toilet seat cover as oil blotter" thing. I think I saw it on Oprah...

Wendy - Helen's right. I never thought of cutting one up. I just folded one up in my purse and tore off what I needed.

Beth in NC - Okay, full disclosure: I threw away the empty bag of m&ms from Halloween and roughly 27 empty gum wrappers. Wow. I feel better.

Sherri - You can only type 140 characters on twitter -- I don't think you can even say Hi in less than 140 characters.

Why do feel compelled to keep receipts? Car, house, major repairs: yes. Burger King: no.

katdish said...

Michelle - I'm glad you finally made it over here. I'm really weird, but if you've read my comments on other blogs, you've probably figured that out by now. My 7 year old also MUST HAVE everything product on TV. What's up with that?

Huck - tip calculator (snort) You crack me.

Nicole - I tend to bring out incessant randomness and moments of rambling in people. Just check out the comments from yesterday's post if you don't believe me. Welcome!

Stacy - I crack myself up.

Candy - I yam what I yam! And if I found anything left by my cat in my purse, I wouldn't say crap, I'd scream SH*******T! That's my standby cuss word.

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to digest the fact that you have exactly as many items in your purse as there are letters in the alphabet. Okay, minus the elusive "X". (If X means "unknown" in math, maybe there's something in that purse you don't even know about?)

You're a brave one, you are!

mandy said...

You're TOTALLY cool! Anyone who can fit that much random stuff into a small bag is cool in my eyes! :)

JML said...

Holy Freaking crap! I laughed really hard at that!!! I especially loved the shiny comment, and the Gas-x, because fart jokes really are hilarious.