Friday, May 1, 2009

Follow Me! (or not - no big whoop)


If you're not following me on Twitter, you're missing out on some real teachable moments for you and your children (and possibly your dog - I seem to have a large dog following). If I am following you on Twitter, may I please suggest to you that there are a few things that I could happily live the rest of my life not knowing about you via twitter?:

- that you need to pee
- whether or not you washed your hands after you went pee
- that they put the wrong kind of pickles on your Chic fil A sandwich (Sorry, Erin - too good to pass up.)
- that you can tweet 74 bible verses in a row via twitter
- that your dog just peed on the floor (actually, that was rather amusing)
- that my dog is plotting against me
- that you got a really crappy parking spot at the mall
- that you cleaned your barn with a leaf blower
- that you're back from Wal*Mart (unless you're Steph. Then I'm all up in that.)
- that you are now following me and 20,000 of your closest friends via twitter*

*A notable exception to this rule is if you are @kickbuttcoffee and you tweet the following message: "We triple filter our water and then Chuck Norris grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage." (Because that's pretty much awesome.)

And here's some frigintastic advice you've been missing out on because you're not following me on Twitter:

@brian_russell: Yar! I keep forgettin' where I be s'posed ta click on this here Facebook fer Pirates!

@katdish: You know, @br8kthru used the twitter pirate function until I threatened to punch him in the kidneys.

@myapronstrings: I love how solicitors come to your door and when you say "Im not interested" they say "But I'm not selling anything" Oh. Really? My mistake.

@katdish: I used to have the same problem. Then I started keeping a battery operated chainsaw and a bottle of ketchup by the door.

@churchpunk: how in the crap do we lose a whole computer?

@katdish: One word: NINJAS.

And some random bits of wisdom:

I think Joe Biden was the inspiration for the main character of all those Naked Gun movies.

@marni71 - good point. did you know that the uterus is also a highly specialized homing device to find car keys and lost homework?

@marni71 -it should be by seniority - chidrens pastors pray for salad, youth pastor pray for coffee & tea service, senior for the meal.

@Brian_Russell - I have assembled a team of ninjas that have assured me it can be taken down, but yes - I believe there is.

@puriChristos - Can you ever REALLY get past the monkey butt? The genie is out of the bottle. It cannot be undone.

@nickcarnes - have you ever seen the warning label on the weight loss pill Ally? "May cause anal seepage". Um, thanks. I'll pass.

@mabeswife - I prefer barf, but yeah...

@erinbeekeeper - Oh, I'm not worried. Texas will never fall into the ocean. Why? Because Oklahoma sucks.

@purichristos - try not to say monkey butt in your meeting.

@whataboutbobdog - Say an extra prayer for your mom's ungrateful heart, would ya?

@candysteele - Mike Rowe nekkid

@PuriChristos - Oh, excuse me, Mr. Monkey butt

@CandySteele, @redclaydiaries, @PuriChristos - Stop all this blaspheming! (Oh, wait - need to save that one for Sherri's email.)

@purichristos - we really should have a dictionary for FOTTSP. Maybe use monkey butt as some sort of magic portal to definitions.

@CandySteele - Oh, you're right! It's raining pork and beans outside!

@weightwhat - It's a virtual rainbow of monkey butts. Sort of like a skittles rainbow, only disgusting.

Dear Fed Gov: If you want people not to panic about the swine flu, stop holding round the clock news conf. telling people not to panic

FINALLY! Stupid news conference is over. Now I can watch Shepard Smith - who is dreamy...

If the only qualifications you need to be a press secretary is the ability to say um and I don't know, I think I might apply.

@mabeswife - he's not glittery, he's sparkly! Stupid people!

And here's three awesomatastic blog posts I tweeted this week:

A Bunch of Swingers (from Very Much Later)

A brief snippet from Jake's post:

People aren't great at balance, we have such a nasty tendency toward extremism. It's just tons easier to be all or nothing, black or white. Less thought and effort goes into being extreme than being balanced. That's where this whole back and forth motion of theology comes from. We just don't like to think, and apparently don't read the Bible enough to understand that balance, my friends, is a key to following Jesus and living life a little more like He'd have us do it.

This is why I pink fuzzy heart Helen: Security! Security!

And finally, a parenting blog post inspired by an inordinate number of monkey anatomy related tweets:
What not to call the Hoo-Ha

So, there you go. This is what you've been missing Prodigal Jon.

29 comments:

Shut Up Bob said...

Y'know, the reason I don't use twitter is because people make lists of the things they DON'T want to know via twitter and I'm always left wondering "What else is there to say?"

Peter P said...

Oh, Katdish, I'll save you the time:

Katdish says "Shut UP, Shut Up."

Shark Bait said...

Hmm. And you wonder why I refuse to twitter. Too many twits.

<-SB><

Candace Jean July 16 said...

What about "the dude must tweet in his sleep."

@ Shark Bait - is "twits" really the plural of "people who tweet?"

my freakiest follower (actually my dying dogs follower) is @Holy_Urns. Go away!! Stop following my dog!

Perhaps I should tweet that.

Shark Bait said...

I suppose I shouldn't be too rude, Katdish tweeted a nice tweet about me yesterday.

As to the plural of people who tweet, I suppose I could have call them tweeters, but:

1. It's not as funny as twits
2. It might make people think of this song and then you know what will happen. Monkeys on this blog as well.

<-SB><

Billy Coffey said...

I'm printing this out, lest I offend thee.

I have to follow @kickbuttcoffee now.

tonyyork said...

Argggg... me likes da pirate chatter. Avast, ye scallywags, don't be splashing ye twittereah about the deck. There be not enough Charmin to swab that mess.

Beth said...

Hi there, Beth is at a Christian retreat call Emmaus Walk this weekend and I'm supposed to gather 'happy letters' to leave her that she can read on her last day by her friends. If you would, could you leave her a happy letter and e-mail it to me at fsabelha@yahoo.com. She would appreciate it. Sorry for the bad blog etiquette, but I didn't know how else to get a hold of you ;)

-Frank (Beth's husband)

lynnrush said...

HI! I found your blog via Billy Coffey. What a great site.

I loved this post. It's really funny.

Have a great day.

katdish said...

Peter et. al. - I've grown tired of shut up. You need a new nickname. Make sure it's something britishy.

Shark Bait - why ya gotta be a hater, playah?

Candy - I still can't believe the Holy Urns thing. A t-shirt cannon buriel is so much more dignified.

Billy - Yeah...Like I'm easily offended. Do you read the other comments on this blog?

Tony - Watch your kidneys.

HI FRANK! Ooo! I'm so excited! Helen's husband left a comment for Annie, but I got Frank! I'll let everyone know to send her some love. (No monkey love, people).

Lynn - glad you found your way over here. And I'd just like to say Sorry/You're Welcome!

Nick the Geek said...

I was commenting earlier when twitter popped up and let me know that katdish and Marni were worried I had lost some appendages so I went over and let everyone know I was alive instead of commenting here. Kinda ironic if you think about it.

Nick the Geek said...

Also, what is a "happy letter?"

katdish said...

Update: Favorite direct message:

"Thank you for following. May your future be bright and shiny."

to which I replied:

"Oooo! Shiny!"

Peter P said...

Tired of Shut Up?

:-(

You could call always call me Peter

katdish said...

or ppbottle...

jasonS said...

Nice- I feel compelled to follow @kickbuttcoffee as well.

Twitter is fun, but it's also a great way to get info and connect with people. It's all about balance.

People can use it for good and/or evil, sorta like waffle irons...

katdish said...

Jason -

YES! Exactly like waffle irons!

Helen said...

Twitter is rather addicting, isn't it? Don't worry about me tweeting my bathroom habits. I have always had this weird aversion to people knowing when I use the bathroom. If I was in the bathroom and got a phone call, I wanted mom to tell the caller I was washing my hair. She could never understand that I am a visual person, and preferred that other visual people visualize me washing my hair instead of...well, brushing my teeth of course. Spitting is so undignified!
Thank you for linking my post. I love you too, you know. WWKD has become a new motto for fun in my corporal life. The answer is usually "Exactly what you want to do and are too CHICKEN to do it!" Then I do it! Blogging has made life way more fun!

Marni said...

And not just waffle irons, but Spandex too...

Annie K said...

I don't twitter - no time. Call me lame. I work for a living so I can pay my mortgage.

I could twitter if I was a) independantly wealthy. (we've already established I'm not). or b) everyone wanted to start sending me $100 dollar bills on a monthly basis to pay my mortgage.

I'd prefer B, but I don't think he** is freezing over anytime soon. Dang....

vanityofvanities said...

Okay. I think I've now read all the tweets I need to read in my life and I am officially *never* joining Twitter. Let it be written, let it be done.

katdish said...

Oh come on, Angela!

How lawsome would it be if I could annoy you all day long?

Pretty freaking lawsome!

katdish said...

Oh, and Annie -

Just to tell you, you have a twitter account. I'm following you. If I'm lying I'm dying.

Beth's Husband said...

For Nick the Geek...

A Happy Letter is a letter where you make the person feel happy when they read it with the intent of either making them laugh, or cry, (or both).

Still waiting on Katdish's letter. I hope she sends it soon!

katdish said...

Frank -

You must have been typing that comment while I was typing the email. It would have sent it earlier, but I was distracted by Jon Acuff not following me on twitter.

JML said...

When I was a kid, my mom would try to talk to me through the bathroom door. I literally would swear at her. That said, I'll more than likely twitter when i have to pee, but I won't twitter while I'm peeing. and HOLY CRAP WOMAN!!! You have a lot to say! but I enjoyed it, i have to say:)

Shark Bait said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shark Bait said...

Okay, you've convinced me. I'm going to go get a waffle iron.

<-SB><

Michelle said...

I think I am following you on twitter!!