Follow Me! (or not - no big whoop)

If you're not following me on Twitter, you're missing out on some real teachable moments for you and your children (and possibly your dog - I seem to have a large dog following). If I am following you on Twitter, may I please suggest to you that there are a few things that I could happily live the rest of my life not knowing about you via twitter?:

- that you need to pee
- whether or not you washed your hands after you went pee
- that they put the wrong kind of pickles on your Chic fil A sandwich (Sorry, Erin - too good to pass up.)
- that you can tweet 74 bible verses in a row via twitter
- that your dog just peed on the floor (actually, that was rather amusing)
- that my dog is plotting against me
- that you got a really crappy parking spot at the mall
- that you cleaned your barn with a leaf blower
- that you're back from Wal*Mart (unless you're Steph. Then I'm all up in that.)
- that you are now following me and 20,000 of your closest friends via twitter*

*A notable exception to this rule is if you are @kickbuttcoffee and you tweet the following message: "We triple filter our water and then Chuck Norris grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage." (Because that's pretty much awesome.)

And here's some frigintastic advice you've been missing out on because you're not following me on Twitter:

@brian_russell: Yar! I keep forgettin' where I be s'posed ta click on this here Facebook fer Pirates!

@katdish: You know, @br8kthru used the twitter pirate function until I threatened to punch him in the kidneys.

@myapronstrings: I love how solicitors come to your door and when you say "Im not interested" they say "But I'm not selling anything" Oh. Really? My mistake.

@katdish: I used to have the same problem. Then I started keeping a battery operated chainsaw and a bottle of ketchup by the door.

@churchpunk: how in the crap do we lose a whole computer?

@katdish: One word: NINJAS.

And some random bits of wisdom:

I think Joe Biden was the inspiration for the main character of all those Naked Gun movies.

@marni71 - good point. did you know that the uterus is also a highly specialized homing device to find car keys and lost homework?

@marni71 -it should be by seniority - chidrens pastors pray for salad, youth pastor pray for coffee & tea service, senior for the meal.

@Brian_Russell - I have assembled a team of ninjas that have assured me it can be taken down, but yes - I believe there is.

@puriChristos - Can you ever REALLY get past the monkey butt? The genie is out of the bottle. It cannot be undone.

@nickcarnes - have you ever seen the warning label on the weight loss pill Ally? "May cause anal seepage". Um, thanks. I'll pass.

@mabeswife - I prefer barf, but yeah...

@erinbeekeeper - Oh, I'm not worried. Texas will never fall into the ocean. Why? Because Oklahoma sucks.

@purichristos - try not to say monkey butt in your meeting.

@whataboutbobdog - Say an extra prayer for your mom's ungrateful heart, would ya?

@candysteele - Mike Rowe nekkid

@PuriChristos - Oh, excuse me, Mr. Monkey butt

@CandySteele, @redclaydiaries, @PuriChristos - Stop all this blaspheming! (Oh, wait - need to save that one for Sherri's email.)

@purichristos - we really should have a dictionary for FOTTSP. Maybe use monkey butt as some sort of magic portal to definitions.

@CandySteele - Oh, you're right! It's raining pork and beans outside!

@weightwhat - It's a virtual rainbow of monkey butts. Sort of like a skittles rainbow, only disgusting.

Dear Fed Gov: If you want people not to panic about the swine flu, stop holding round the clock news conf. telling people not to panic

FINALLY! Stupid news conference is over. Now I can watch Shepard Smith - who is dreamy...

If the only qualifications you need to be a press secretary is the ability to say um and I don't know, I think I might apply.

@mabeswife - he's not glittery, he's sparkly! Stupid people!

And here's three awesomatastic blog posts I tweeted this week:

A Bunch of Swingers (from Very Much Later)

A brief snippet from Jake's post:

People aren't great at balance, we have such a nasty tendency toward extremism. It's just tons easier to be all or nothing, black or white. Less thought and effort goes into being extreme than being balanced. That's where this whole back and forth motion of theology comes from. We just don't like to think, and apparently don't read the Bible enough to understand that balance, my friends, is a key to following Jesus and living life a little more like He'd have us do it.

This is why I pink fuzzy heart Helen: Security! Security!

And finally, a parenting blog post inspired by an inordinate number of monkey anatomy related tweets:
What not to call the Hoo-Ha

So, there you go. This is what you've been missing Prodigal Jon.