Thursday, July 23, 2009

From Hair to Eternity - The Summer Skymall Post

Oh, gentle reader! It's been too long since my last Sky Mall post! Oh sure, I'm all for the occasional serious post and lest we forget my fabulous guest bloggers and tomorrow's twitter extravaganza...

But I have neglected you, dearest Sky Mall! How could I go so long without paying homage to you: Giant book of overpriced, unnecessary crap practically begging me to make fun of you? Here it is the middle of the summer, and there's no doubt piles of disposal income just lying around waiting to be spent! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not...whatever...

Hair is an amazing thing. (Nice segue, huh?) As mammals, we all have varying degrees of it. But we never seem content. We have too much in some places and not enough in others. This has not escaped the attention of the fine folks at the Sky Mall.

R.E.M. Spring Hair Remover $19.95

Do I really need to explain what this thing is? It's basically a really tightly coiled spring that rips your facial hair out in a completely "pain free" manner. Yeee-aaah. Sure it does. Does it work? Just ask this satisfied Sky Mall customer:

"Wonderful gadget/tool. I've told many friends about this and they each plan to purchase one. I'll be giving them for holidays gifts this year!"

Merry Christmas Aunt Margaret! Thought you might enjoy this as you are beginning to look like Uncle Phil!

And speaking of Uncle Phil, perhaps he might enjoy:

The Hairmax Laser Comb $495.00

"In a clinical study, HairMax treated hair loss and regrew hair for 93% of those who used it. HairMax users also report improved quality, shine and manageability."

Don't believe me? Check out THESE results!:

M'kay...I suppose that's worth 500 bucks plus shipping and handling. Dear menfolk losing your hair: Keep your hair short. If you have a nice looking head, trying shaving it. Just say no to the comb over. Please?

"But katdish! You don't understand! You have thick, wonderful hair! How can you stand in judgement?" Because I'm katdish...that's what I do. Okay, okay...check this out:

Toppik Hair Building Fibers $21.95

Toppik Makes Thin Hair Look Thick and Natural in 30 Seconds over 2 Million People Use It. Doctors Recommend it. Celebrities Won't go on Without it. Now you can instantly eliminate the appearance of baldness and thinning hair. Toppik gives you greater coverage and a thick, full looking head of hair all in about 30 seconds!

I'm no scientist or chemist, but I'm pretty sure this is similar to the "sea monkey principle". (Don't ask...I just know these things.)

By now you have a great head of hair. So you are no longer self-conscious about getting that hair wet! Time to hit the pool and get some exercise!

Endless Pool $20,900.00

"Our signature product, the Original Endless Pool is designed to fit just about anywhere, indoors or outside...This flexibility has allowed more than 12,000 customers to realize the dream of swimming at home in an Original Endless Pool."

Wow! Twelve thousand customers? If I had a dollar for every satisfied customer, I still wouldn't have enough money to buy that pool! I'm guessing you don't either. No worries, you can still enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of swimming with this next product:

The AquaVee Portable Swim System Kit $84.90

"An easy to install system that turns any pool into a lap pool. The AquaVee installation time takes about 60 seconds and can be used anytime anywhere! The AquaVee is extremely portable and will fit any pool no matter the size."

Now, I realize to the untrained eye, this looks like some surgical tubing, suction cups and a tube of silicon, but trust me....That's exactly what it is.

This next catalog item I chose for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is pretty freaky, and second, I'm wondering why that guy didn't buy the Hairmax Laser Comb. Don't you think he could afford it? Me thinks, yes...

Executive Health Evaluation: $3,495.00

Experience a day-long, 5-star treatment at one of our beautiful contemporary Centers...(blah, blah, blah....)

Benefits may include: (may include? Craptastic!)

Decreased risk of age-related disease
Improved muscle tone
Decreased body fat
Increased energy
Increased libido (wink, wink!)
Sharper thinking (so maybe you won't spend 3500 bucks on a fancy doctor's appointment!)

The final item up for review has nothing to do with anything really. It just made me giggle:

Giddyup! Core Exerciser - Dual Motor $469.00

"The Giddyup! Core Exerciser is the latest innovation in core strength training! This core exerciser benefits posture, improves balance, builds core strength and has up to 25 speed combinations."

"The trotting and galloping action of a horse helps strengthen the rider's spine and pelvic muscles, improves posture and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions. This product also invigorates the body, promotes good blood flow, and an increased metabolism."

I'm going to be honest. If they could get Debra Winger to reprise her role as Sissy in Urban Cowboy, mount that thing with a cowboy hat and a Lone Star Beer, I'd have my Visa card out right now... I the only one giggling? Okay...whatever...


Billy Coffey said...

Yay Skymall!!!

The first post I ever read here was a Skymall post. Guess I should've known what I was getting into then.

Lianne said...

You know, it's amazing that some of these products sound like such a good idea at 20,000 feet, but really sound pretty lame on the ground.

p.s. That old dude is ripped! Methinks a lot of photoshopping may have gone into that picture.

Helen said...

I'd buy Trigger Jr. myself if it was about $450 less.

Fun post, Kathy. I really enjoyed it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks I needed that! :)

Wendy said...

I really want that Toppik stuff. I mean, I've spent my entire life trying to avoid split ends, but now I see that I need them to make my hair look nicer. Toppik could split my ends all the way up to the root! Now that's a bargain at any price!

Joanne Sher said...

OOOOOOOOHHHH my!! I really want that endless pool. For $2.95, plus shipping.

nitewrit said...

So where were you with all those hair-saver products about 10 years ago?

Well, my head may be like that old dude, but my body...well, my body is nothing like that. I bet that head and that body came from two different sources. Does Sky Mall sell the body?

And yes, I'm giggling at that last items, never mind why. Probably the same reason you are.

larry E.

Sherri Murphy said...

I like trigger Jr.

If Big Al hadn't bought that Harley...

Candy said...

I can put that Aquavee thing together for you with random crap from RB's garage. As for the hair-filler-inner, yeh, got some shoe polish for that.

Do people really BUY that stuff? No really, do they?

Anonymous said...

You know, I think there's a skymall discount if you order within 20 minutes of getting off the plane...

I can see people getting off the plane, whipping out their mobile devices. "Skymall? I want an endless pool!!!"

Yeah. Right. We all laugh...

Mary Ann said...

Katdish, you never let me down!!

I am giggling. No doubt that last one was the winner which is pretty impressive when you think about its contestants.'s going to be a great day.

Lanette said...

These are great! Seriously who wouldn't want a spring hair remover for a gift. I'm adding it to my list now. I love looking at these kind of catalogs and wondering who actually buys the stuff. Thanks for the chuckles this morning.

Jeanne Damoff said...

Woweez! This is my first visit to the Katdish Skymall! Who would have dreamed that, for a mere $25,485.80 (+S&H), I can remove hair then grow and/or build it, swim in place (Can I use my AquaVee in my Endless Pool and double the benefits?), glue my face on a strangely decomposing supermodel body, and (Lord have mercy) "stimulate" seldom used muscles? LIFE IS GOOD!

Marni said...

That old dude was photoshopped...I'm just sayin.

And no, you aren't the only one giggling. Giddy up!

jasonS said...

Very nice. I won't comment on all the hair products except to say the guy in the Toppik ad looks really unhappy to be there (before & after). The last one reminds me of Everybody Loves Raymond where Robert had a weight machine set up in the living room and Marie came in asking if it was some sort of sex machine. Anyway, good times... I feel we have a very similar sense of humor...