Monday, December 8, 2008

Diary of a Mad Black Weiner Dog

A Dramatic Reading (think David Caruso in "Jade")

Saturday, December 6 (at least I think it's Saturday...I have no concept of time)

The people have left me again. I thought I had adequately expressed my desire that they not leave again the last time they came back from a prolonged departure. When they returned, I showered them with appreciation and pee. I licked their faces incessantly like they were giant, leftover bones from a spiral sliced ham left carelessly in the trash can. I must have gotten the less intelligent people. Oh yes -- they have left me again.

I do not like this bathroom. The floor is hard and cold and the woman has removed the delightful snack bucket usually sitting next to the giant, porcelain water bowl. No -- I do not like this bathroom.

I should have known this day would not be a good one. The man was not here last night and the evil little one who squeezes me and attempts to make me walk on two legs crawled into bed with the woman. I allowed her a small space on the man's side of the bed, but only because I was attempting to sleep a bit longer before I was expelled from my warm, cozy cocoon and forced to poop and pee in the cold, wet grass behind the house.

To add insult to injury, the small evil one and the medium sized one with the white strings hanging out of his ears constantly did not wake up and complain about their breakfast and argue with each other as they do on most mornings. Alas, it must be the weekend. And since the woman got in the shower instead of sitting down to make clicking sounds on the grey box with the white face, I knew that I would be in this bathroom for a long time.

I will protest their leaving as I normally do. I will refuse to eat from the orange bowl. For now, I will chew on the side of my bed for several minutes before taking a nap.

(Dog awakes from nap: time elapsed, unknown; they have no concept of time.)

What is this? It is long past the time when I need to pee and poop again! Where are those people? Now I am angry! How can I show them my disdain? (Sees heavy terrycloth bathrobe hanging from a hook on the bathroom door.) I will show them not to keep me locked up in this little dungeon! (Begins tearing apart bathrobe.) That will make them open this door! Where are those stupid people?

(Sound of the garage door opening.) Well, finally! Let me begin barking incessantly. Here they come; here they come. Hello...huh? Why is the dark haired man who talks a lot and plays the guitar here instead of my people? Oh, never mind. I like him anyway. I will lightly sprinkle his leg with pee as is my customary greeting. Oh, thank you, thank you! Let me wiggle as much as possible while you attempt to put a leash on me! Hurry up now before I embarrass myself. (Dog and man race out of house, take a walk and take care of business. Returns to house.)

So, will you be staying until my people come back? Where is the rest of your pack? Your little one is not nearly as evil as my people's little one. Your welcome. Whoa, why are we going back towards the bathroom? Don't you need to use the Internet connection or something? How about a quick game of Wii? Oh, come ON! (Man puts dog back in bathroom.)

Now I am very angry, but talky guy took away my giant red chew toy. Curses! Where is that cat? Perhaps I can entice him to stick his arm under the door so I can bite him. (Dog begins to whimper.) No? Bummer... I hate that cat.

(Dog chews on bed until its outer rim is completely soaked in dog slobber.)

Okay. I give up. I'm just going to sleep. Perhaps I'll dream of ways to avenge this false imprisonment. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

(Sound of garage door. Dog awakens to find it is completely dark outside.)

Well IT'S ABOUT TIME!!! I suppose I will forgive them again just this once. I AM actually very happy they are home (even the evil little one). Here I am! Here I am! Come let me out!

Note to self: For the next several days, take an inordinate amount of time to "do you business" outside, especially when the people seem to be in a hurry. Also, pee on one of the throw pillows in the family room. Of course, this goes without saying, but don't forget to poop in the dining room. Mwha, ha, ha, ha!

Sincerely yours,

Buddy Love

Editor's Note: A special thanks to Beth, whose post Ceiling Fan: A Love Letter was the inspiration for this post. Also, thanks to my rude but loveable dog, Buddy.


Dory said...

I saw this on Happy Catholic's blog earlier in the year. Apparently your dog and her cat have a lot in common. I hope you don't mind me cutting and pasting the joke in your comment section.

Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing

Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. B**t**ds!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…

Beth said...

Haha! Glad I was the inspiration! That was hilarious. So was the cat diary. I'd write one for my dog, but it would be something like....

Eat? Eat? Eat? Eat? EAT? Bark. Bark. Play? Play? Play? Play? Scratch. Scratch. Snooze. Poop in the laundry room. Drink. Drink. Drink. Play? Play? Eat? Frantic! Go outside. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. PEEEEEEE. Run! Run! Eat? Eat? Eat? (Repeat 87 times each day.)

Anonymous said...

Katdish, maybe you were a dog n a former've got the dog voice down!
Normally, I don't believe in the former life idea, but this post has me wondering....

Helen, that was great as well!

My indoor dog Tiki was a huge fan of pooping in the dining room. and HYPER! We're talking ADHD! Oh, the stories! she's no longer with us to tell them....not dead, we Gave her away! (Bad parents, I know- but she went to a loving home with children who enjoyed the ADHD and a parents who didn't mind the pooping. We have visitation rights and we send cards and gifts on her birthday and all religious holidays.)

Pam said...

Oh my! That is some funny stuff... between you and SCL, that's twice this morn that I've attempted to drench my keyboard with spewed coffee via the nostrils... And the cat diary? "Day 983 of my captivity" Isn't that the truth! Although I don't have any cats I'm holding hostage due to the dreaded power of "allergies"! I knew it was gonna be good just from the title... "Diary of a Mad Black Wiener Dog".[grinning still]

Stephanie Wetzel said...

Laughed out loud for a long time before I ever clicked over, just from the title. Awesome!

Oo, oo! I love this idea! My dogs keep diaries too. I must share them sometime soon.

Our crazy younger dog doesn't poop in the dining room, but he did throw up in there under the table. Apparently after eating tar. The black spot is still there.

And the old one used to pee all over us when she was young too. Right now she doesn't, but she's 13, so it's only a matter of time...

saingi: Sorry. I got nothin. ;)

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Mary Ann said...

oooooooh sorry about the robe! geesh. How did he even get ahold of that?

Pretty cute though...probably gets away with a lot...

Annie K said...

If that was my dog I'm afraid he'd be dead. My dog is the 'happy-happy-joy-joy' type that has never chewed on anything and Bozley worships the ground I walk on - as it should be.

wv: busan. We be busan that gol-dang weiner dog right on outta here.

Anonymous said...

My folks have a couple of those dogs. They're adorable, but they seemed to be the hardest dogs ever to housebreak and train! It probably didn't help that there were two of them.

Anonymous said...

LOL! Too funny.

We have three, all over 75 lbs. If they still chewed things there would be nothing left.

Emmy said...

Am I the only one who assigned Buddy's voice to Brain from Pinky and the Brain? Hysterical! Welcome to my reader!!!

katdish said...


Pinky and the Brain!

Oh yeah, I think you nailed it! BTW, my friends (and fellow church planters) just moved back here from Findley, OH