Thursday, July 23, 2009
Oh, gentle reader! It's been too long since my last Sky Mall post! Oh sure, I'm all for the occasional serious post and lest we forget my fabulous guest bloggers and tomorrow's twitter extravaganza...
But I have neglected you, dearest Sky Mall! How could I go so long without paying homage to you: Giant book of overpriced, unnecessary crap practically begging me to make fun of you? Here it is the middle of the summer, and there's no doubt piles of disposal income just lying around waiting to be spent! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not...whatever...
Hair is an amazing thing. (Nice segue, huh?) As mammals, we all have varying degrees of it. But we never seem content. We have too much in some places and not enough in others. This has not escaped the attention of the fine folks at the Sky Mall.
R.E.M. Spring Hair Remover $19.95
Do I really need to explain what this thing is? It's basically a really tightly coiled spring that rips your facial hair out in a completely "pain free" manner. Yeee-aaah. Sure it does. Does it work? Just ask this satisfied Sky Mall customer:
"Wonderful gadget/tool. I've told many friends about this and they each plan to purchase one. I'll be giving them for holidays gifts this year!"
Merry Christmas Aunt Margaret! Thought you might enjoy this as you are beginning to look like Uncle Phil!
And speaking of Uncle Phil, perhaps he might enjoy:
The Hairmax Laser Comb $495.00
"In a clinical study, HairMax treated hair loss and regrew hair for 93% of those who used it. HairMax users also report improved quality, shine and manageability."
Don't believe me? Check out THESE results!:
M'kay...I suppose that's worth 500 bucks plus shipping and handling. Dear menfolk losing your hair: Keep your hair short. If you have a nice looking head, trying shaving it. Just say no to the comb over. Please?
"But katdish! You don't understand! You have thick, wonderful hair! How can you stand in judgement?" Because I'm katdish...that's what I do. Okay, okay...check this out:
Toppik Hair Building Fibers $21.95
Toppik Makes Thin Hair Look Thick and Natural in 30 Seconds over 2 Million People Use It. Doctors Recommend it. Celebrities Won't go on Without it. Now you can instantly eliminate the appearance of baldness and thinning hair. Toppik gives you greater coverage and a thick, full looking head of hair all in about 30 seconds!
I'm no scientist or chemist, but I'm pretty sure this is similar to the "sea monkey principle". (Don't ask...I just know these things.)
By now you have a great head of hair. So you are no longer self-conscious about getting that hair wet! Time to hit the pool and get some exercise!
Endless Pool $20,900.00
"Our signature product, the Original Endless Pool is designed to fit just about anywhere, indoors or outside...This flexibility has allowed more than 12,000 customers to realize the dream of swimming at home in an Original Endless Pool."
Wow! Twelve thousand customers? If I had a dollar for every satisfied customer, I still wouldn't have enough money to buy that pool! I'm guessing you don't either. No worries, you can still enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of swimming with this next product:
The AquaVee Portable Swim System Kit $84.90
"An easy to install system that turns any pool into a lap pool. The AquaVee installation time takes about 60 seconds and can be used anytime anywhere! The AquaVee is extremely portable and will fit any pool no matter the size."
Now, I realize to the untrained eye, this looks like some surgical tubing, suction cups and a tube of silicon, but trust me....That's exactly what it is.
This next catalog item I chose for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is pretty freaky, and second, I'm wondering why that guy didn't buy the Hairmax Laser Comb. Don't you think he could afford it? Me thinks, yes...
Executive Health Evaluation: $3,495.00
Experience a day-long, 5-star treatment at one of our beautiful contemporary Centers...(blah, blah, blah....)
Benefits may include: (may include? Craptastic!)
Decreased risk of age-related disease
Improved muscle tone
Decreased body fat
Increased libido (wink, wink!)
Sharper thinking (so maybe you won't spend 3500 bucks on a fancy doctor's appointment!)
The final item up for review has nothing to do with anything really. It just made me giggle:
Giddyup! Core Exerciser - Dual Motor $469.00
"The Giddyup! Core Exerciser is the latest innovation in core strength training! This core exerciser benefits posture, improves balance, builds core strength and has up to 25 speed combinations."
"The trotting and galloping action of a horse helps strengthen the rider's spine and pelvic muscles, improves posture and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions. This product also invigorates the body, promotes good blood flow, and an increased metabolism."
I'm going to be honest. If they could get Debra Winger to reprise her role as Sissy in Urban Cowboy, mount that thing with a cowboy hat and a Lone Star Beer, I'd have my Visa card out right now...
Seriously...am I the only one giggling? Okay...whatever...