And now for something completely different...

No doubt, millions of you have been on the edge of your seats anxiously awaiting observations I promised about Ted L. Nancy's book "Letters from a Nut". (I realize that my site counter indicates a much lower number, but once it reached infinity, it started over. But I digress...)

"Letters from a Nut" is just that. It is a collection of letters that were actually written and mailed to an assortment of companies, individuals and heads of state. It has been rumored that Ted L. Nancy is actually Jerry Seinfeld, but this has never been proven in a court of law. Without further adieu, the following is one such letter and the corresponding reply:

Ted L. Nancy

560 N. Moorpark Rd., #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

July 10, 1995

Mr. Albert H. Meyer, President

American Seating Company

901 Broadway

Grand Rapids, I 49504

Dear Mr. Meyers:

I had a seating question and I was referred to you because I understand you manufacture stadium and arena seating. My question:

When entering or exiting a seat in a stadium, which is the proper side to face the person sitting down? Rear to them or crotch to them?

I am always at a quandary when this problem comes up. To hence: last week at a sporting event I had to leave my seat. There were a row of people -- ALL FROM THE SAME FAMILY -- that were sitting down the row. I exited my seat, stood up and faced away from this family. Then I moved down the row realizing my buttocks were not 2 inches from this whole guy's family. I had shown an entire family my rear end! But then again if I had turned around and moved down the aisle THAT WAY, wouldn't that be worse?

Stadium seating is the only situation in life where you can show whole rows of people your butt or crotch. And it is acceptable!

Can something be done about this seating? Should the rows be changed? I suggest a single row straight up to the top. You walk into the stadium you simply find your seat number and go up until you get it.

Question: Is there a gracious way to exit?

Thank you, Sir, for your response,

Ted L. Nancy

AMERICAN SEATING

August 3, 1995

Ted L. Nancy

560 N. Moorpark Rd., #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Your letter on crotch or butt first was most interesting. In fact, in all 38 years which I have been in this business it is probably the most interesting question I have ever been asked. I have shared your letter with numerous of my colleagues, and they have also found it most interesting.

But alas, we have no good answer. Your idea of a single chair has merit, but unfortunately would greatly reduce the number of chairs which could be put in the building.

The only suggestion we could come up with is for you to come early before anyone has arrived, stay in your seat the entire time, and wait until everyone else has gone before leaving. This, of course, could cause an even more embarrassing problem.

If you come up with any solutions, we would welcome hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Albert H. Meyer

This is only one of many works of great literature that have been my inspiration throughout the years. I will from time to time share snippets from some of my other favorites. (Again, you're welcome.)