Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Revoke My Man Card (by Bryan Allain)

I'm sure many of you fine readers often ask yourself, "How does katdish get all these incredibly good writers to guest blog for her?" The answer? I HAVE NO IDEA! Seriously, I keep asking, and people keep saying yes. It's as simple as that. I'm actually pretty astounded myself. It just goes to show you - no risk it, no biscuit. Or something like that...

Many of you may know Bryan from his many guest blog appearances on Jon Acuff's site, Stuff Christians Like. While I've always enjoyed his writing over there, you really need read Bryan's blog to get a glimpse inside his head - a strange and wonderful place. Anyhoo, enough of me, here's Bryan:



When Kathy asked me to write a guest post for her site I was honored. I wanted to write a post that represented myself and my readers well to the you, the fine patrons of her blog, so I tried to think of a topic that would make me look impressive. Something that convinced you that I was a responsible, amazing man.

Well, that was about 6 weeks ago and I haven't come up with anything yet.

So instead, I'm going the other way. The reality is, I'm an incredibly flawed doofus. And of all the things I like poking fun at, I enjoy poking fun at myself the most. Truth is, I'm not an amazing man. In fact, I'm not even sure I'm a man anymore. Want proof?

Here's 7 (of the many) reasons why, if Man Cards were real, I might not be carrying one...

I Have No HandyMan Skills

I've got a father-in-law who built houses for a living, a brother-in-law who helped built his own house, and a dad who can do just about anything around the house that needs to be done. How did I end up like this? I don't know. But thankfully my father-in-law is only 10 minutes away in case a picture needs to be hung or a door needs to be fixed. (I wish I was kidding.)

You know how much help I was to my father-in-law when he was building my deck? Negative help, that's how much. He literally had to undo a bunch of the stuff I did on the first day. After that, I just watched and fetched him drinks. Completely embarrassing.

I Hate Hide & Seek (aka, Manhunt)

Want to know why I hate Hide and Seek? Because I hate hiding and I hate seeking. Pretty simple.

Think about it, when does hiding and seeking happen in real life? When cops are chasing bad guys. When bad guys are chasing other bad guys. When a child is about to be disciplined and disappears. You get the idea. The whole concept of hiding is that you don't want to be found, but eventually you will be found when you play this game. Sounds terrible to me.

And for the record, we played manhunt on the streets of my neighborhood almost every night in the summer growing up. I hated it.

I Know Nothing About Cars

I've got no opinion on Ford vs. Chevy. I don't know or care how many cylinders are in my minivan. (I drive a minivan!) I don't know what the brown fluid on my garage floor under my car is.

Want more?

I don't have a dream car. I think loud engines are annoying. I once spent hours in the library reading about what carburetors and overhead cams were just to impress a girl I liked. Didn't work.

I Hate Paint Ball

You know how I hate Hide and Seek? Well here's a math equation to define what paint ball is. Paint Ball = (Hide & Seek) + (Pain).

Ooh! Ooh! Where do I sign up?

I played paint ball once. It was my worst nightmare. My goggles were fogging up so I couldn't see anything. I was hiding. There were lots of people seeking me. Those same people were trying to inflict pain on me. I decided to let myself get shot in a relatively painless area and get off the playing field as soon as I could. I ended up getting shot in the neck from 10 feet out.

Never again.

I Like To Talk Things Out

If my lovely wife Erica and I ever have a disagreement (yes it happens...shocker!), I'm usually the one who makes the stronger push for communication. Don't misunderstand here, she is a great communicator. I'm just over the top nuts about it. I love talking about how I feel. Maybe it's because I'm a writer and I like putting words to good use? I don't know. But if there's an issue that needs discussing, I turn into a freaking Lifetime movie.

Please pray for her, that I'd learn to just shut up and watch TV once in a while.

I Have Girl Parts

Just Kidding. Wanted to make sure you weren't skimming.

I've Never Been in a Fight

Unlike my buddy Nate, who once beat up 3 guys at one time in front of a club in Providence, RI, I've never taken or thrown a punch. Closest I've come is skirmishes with my younger brother Josh growing up, but those don't really count. Although, when Josh and I did fight, he'd usually try to punch and I'd try to rake the eyes. Not very manly.

If we ever cross each other and it's time to throw down, just promise me we can try to settle our differences verbally before we resort to barbaric methods like fighting. And if we do end up fighting, you better protect your eyes.

So, what about y'all?

Guys, any reasons you're Man Card might be in jeopardy? I can't be the only one here.

Or how about the ladies? Anything you do that threatens the security of your Woman Card? Maybe one of you deserves to have my Man Card.

P.S....you can read Bryan's daily musings on Twitter or at his blog, Ramblings and Such. (I highly recommend it.)

17 comments:

Helen said...

I don't know how to use a sewing machine.
I hate doing embroidery, and now that I am an adult, I refuse to embroider. I don't even sew hems anymore. I'd rather wear it a little to long.
I am bad at decorating. My idea of "redoing" the house was putting the bedroom curtains in the dining room, and the dining room curtains in the bedrooms. They look better that way, too.
I like to watch pro wrestling. I think CM Punk is in the right in his fight with Jeff Hardy.


My White Sox hat is pink, though. That has to count for something!

Billy Coffey said...

Sweet fancy Moses.

I'm going to take this post for what it is, and that's a cry for help. Don't worry, Bryan. I'm here.

That said, I don't even know where to start. The first thing would be that Man Cards are indeed real, it's just that you haven't seen one (for fairly obvious reasons). That's okay. It gives you something to shoot for.

I can overlook for now the lack of handyman skills, the hide and seek, the paintball, the sad lack of violence in your life, and the fact that you enjoy talking about your feelings. I can even overlook your love for the Red Sox (you didn't mention that. Which is understandable, because I don't think anyone should admit that).

I cannot, however, overlook the minivan. Around here we have a word for men who drive minivans: women.

So go out and buy a big honkin' truck, get it muddy, and ride through town. It'll do wonders.

I'll pray for you.

Sarah Salter said...

Bryan, I think that just admitting all of this should get you some points toward your Man Card. However, since I don't distribute the Man Cards (and since my personal Honorary Man Card is pink) I don't think the committee lets me vote.

I'm pretty confident in my woman-ness. I scream like a girl, throw like a girl, run like a girl. (Actually, if you see me running, you'd better hurry, 'cause there must be demons or spiders chasing me.)

But, I'm also pretty confident that I will be able to hold on to my Honorary Man Card... I can run a trencher, lay water line, change my own brake pads, flush my own radiator... And I spit like a pro.

Don't worry, Bryan. If you hang around this manly crowd long enough, it's bound to rub off on you!

Annie K said...

Brian, minivan? I don't even drive one of those.

Can someone please help this man?!

And 'fine patrons of this blog'? (snort)

katdish said...

You are a brave man(?) Bryan. Very brave indeed.

Beth said...

So is no one going to say anything about the girl parts thing? Because that about killed me! :)

Wow, Bryan. We have a lot in common. Although my husband made me give up the minivan...

Do you like So You Think You Can Dance?

Wendy said...

I am SO going after Bryan's Man Card!

Bryan Allain said...

ummm...I have enjoyed SYTYCD this season, but I'm only watching it because my wife is.

As for the minivan, I do want to say that technically it's an Odyssey, not a minivan. And we all know that Odyssey's are far and away the coolest minivans out there, so really calling it a minivan is a misnomer. plus it gets better mileage than your truck, fits more stuff for our trips to New England your mommywagon, and runs better than an American piece of crap.

oh, and for the record...the ace up my sleeve is my gorgeous wife and amazing kids. in reality they're the only man card i need. But for now I'll keep that up my sleeve and enjoy taking more abuse :)

Peter P said...

Bryan,

Are you sure you're not me? You sure sound like me!

(except for the car thing, of course)

I'm going to have to finish writing my book on masculinity so that you and I have proof that our man-cards are secure!

Chris Sullivan said...

No shame in your game bro. A lot of the guys caring all the "man card characteristics" are faking it. Underneath the harley is just a scared little kid. They are living how they think they are supposed to not how they actually are. A real man is secure enough to know the first rule is to be yourself and not care about man cards, what people they don't respect think or other such nonsense.

Bryan Allain said...

Chris, that was way too serious and logical for this conversation. (but yeah, you nailed it)

Tina Dee Books said...

Not doing so great on my Girl/Woman card:

My son calls my bbq chicken 'burned chicken.

My Christmas tree is STILL up (hey, at this point, I figure why fight it)

Yeast used to scare me (at least cooking with it did--how much yeast have I killed in my lifetime? A lot!)

I love watching football, hockey, and follow my fantasy football team's ranking/make player changes like I'm a professional in the business.

I don't like wearing dresses, but prefer old worn-out jeans with a t-shirt, and going barefoot all the time. If only I could...

I'm jealous of the Men's Once a Month Fellowship study at our church. Women's Once a Month Fellowship for $10 gets mini bagels and fruit with hot tea, and chit chat... And the men, you ask? Hey, they get a free Christian bestseller book (hard cover) that they all 'discuss' (yeah right, men discussing a book, that's a short conversation), and a STEAK and egg breakfast with pancakes, and strong fresh coffee! All for the same 10 bucks. Don't think I haven't been thinking about pick-pocketing a Man Card and sneaking in! Steak...sheesh...

Bryan, maybe I could just borrow yours? (Good post!)

Men.

But what would we do without you guys? Spiders would overtake the world, bbq grills would never get started, and the air pressure in my tires and the oil and brake fluid would never get checked in my car, I'd be stuck somewhere on the side of the road. And who would figure out and teach me how to use the tv remote.

Or make sure the doors and windows are locked up before bed at night.

Man Card or not, we NEED you GUYS. For these things and SO MUCH MORE!

Thanks guys, for being men. Even if you confess to such things as Bryan has (which is mighty brave, so up your man points for today, Bryan), even if your Man Card ownership is a little shaky, thanks guys.

Jewda said...

I really like cars and hide and seek, but otherwise I'm with you. I can't fix the cars. I can't fix the door. I'm proud when I hook up the cable.

And I drive my wife nuts with the communication thing. She wants to be quiet, I want to talk. And I like to cuddle, but only with her, so please don't ask.

I have my man card hidden under the floorboards like a Jew playing a game of life or death hide and seek. No one's getting my card.

Wendy said...

Okay, here it is. My latest attempt to get an HMC, even if it means taking Bryan's.

Tony C said...

Bryan...dude...you need to drive your minivan down to a local biker bar, cruise the parking lot until someone makes a wise crack, start a fight, win or lose run like heck screaming and chanting all the way back to the minivan.

When you get home, remove the back door from said minivan (don't worry, just start unscrewing things and you'll get there eventually), get a friend to drive you to the sporting goods store, buy a paintball gun and paintballs, drive back to your own neighborhood and begin shooting people from the back of your minivan like a door gunner while your friend drives. If you get into another fight, repeat running action from above.

When you get home this time, put the TV on the DIY Network and don't remove yourself until you know the difference between drywall and backer board and the application/installation of each.

Then and only then can you apply for reinstatement of your Man Card. A vow of silence for 48 hours may also be required.

The Homefront said...

So go out and buy a big honkin' truck, get it muddy, and ride through town. It'll do wonders.

I must agree with my fellow redneck, here...get thee to a mudboggin' event, and do it NOW!

If you still want the minivan, well...I suppose we'll just have to love you as is, lady parts and all. *snort*

My son calls my bbq chicken 'burned chicken.

Tina, we call my grilled hamburgers "charcoal," but I just pretent that's the warm-up and then let my friend do the actual grilling.

Marni said...

The only thing funnier than this post was Billy Coffey's response!!!