Friday, May 29, 2009

On the Tweet Deck

Wow. Twitter is nuts. I have a very ecclectic mix of people I follow, and boy does that make things interesting. I may have had some unfollows this week. I'm really not sure. It's really hard to keep up with the comings and goings of all those folks. But for those whom I may have offended and caused to unfollow me, I offer the following:

Tweeps, we live in a world that has tweetdecks and those tweetdecks need to be guarded by people with sarcasm. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Mrs. Rainbow Unicorn Avatar? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Extreme Makeover - Home Edition and curse my irreverence; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that monkey butt referenced tweets, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that tweetdeck, you need me on that tweetdeck. We use words like that's what she said. We use them as the backbone of a life trying to mock something. You use them as a disapproving unfollow. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a twit who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very ridiculousness I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a keyboard and post a tweet. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

Okay people, there are a whole lotta tweets here. Again they are in backwards order. Yeah, yeah. I'm lazy. I'm so lazy I have guest bloggers so I can spend more quality time with my family and on twitter. (Kidding.) (Sort of). Feel free to stop reading when your eyes begin to glaze over. Dang. I really need to get out more...

And now from your favorite twitter ho and her friends:

I just googled myself (that's what she said). I am officially OVEREXPOSED!

But seriously, how does one type that out?

#trueconfession Even though I type "snort" on twitter, I really often laugh like Muttley the Dog.

@br8kthru Okay. I ranted incessantly and feel much better now. Thanks.

@br8kthru Hey Jason - What are 5 more things you just don't get?

@oliveshoot Yeah, there's a mushy katdish. I don't let her out much, though...

Okay - send me a tweet if you want me to do a #followfriday on you. Yes, I am THAT lazy.

@FilmLadd No, silly! A dog and cat have more votes than you. And that's none of your damn business!

Okay - Who hasn't read my sappy, emotional post today?: @godhasablog - have you?

@mabeswife No. Me + Sewing Machine = bad.

@mabeswife The words "cool" "sewing" and "tutorial" do not belong in the same sentence.

@davidgs Thank you. I will now conduct an in depth study on cat yodeling.

@billycoffey Aw, thanks. Even though it may endanger my man card.

@AmberAusten I think it's called, "Don't they know what causes that?" (when asked, "What is the name of that show with the 17 kids?")

Ugh! The teen angst on Facebook is getting really, really annoying!

@yourbetterbody is now following me on twitter. Well, make it snappy will ya? Bathing suit season is upon us!

@FilmLadd Oh, wait...I can vote more than once? Did ACORN set this vote up?

@Becks_Beer Yay! Your face is back!

@FilmLadd I'm actually originally from Virginia, which is also sexy, but I'm in Texas now.

@FilmLadd About Texas women being the sexiest. If you would stop tweeting for 2 seconds I could get a word in edgewise!

@davidgs My dh also has a fever. He is currently in a thera-flu induced coma.

@FilmLadd Fish Bathing? What is that? No, I want to Lord over people!

@FilmLadd Okay, I just voted for you, even though there was a shiny vampire in there that I was really tempted to vote for. I want POWER!

@PeterPollock At least the avatar LOOKS like the Queen of England. But now that I think about it, she had a 5 o'clock shadow.

@PeterPollock Dude. If you're applying to be @billycoffey's nasty pimp, forget it. I've already got that title!

@PeterPollock We've only been friends for awhile. Give it time, I'll corrupt you before long.

RT @jewdacris Just had a Christmas shoes moment, only it was an old guy buying himself shoes & i don't think he's trying to look pretty for Jesus tonight

For my new follower who believes in God, Jesus and Buddah - You're wrong, dude. There's only One Way to God (hint-not Buddah)

@katdish Cuz she'll never see that tweet. Well, she might see it on my post friday.

@Helenatrandom Oh she's a ho. Also? She doesn't use twitter. So she's a nasty ho.

@Helenatrandom I'm not a shoe ho, I'm a twitter ho. Big difference.

@pwilson Do you need me to come down there and punch him in the kidneys? I will, you know.

@Helenatrandom @marni71 and I were discussing whether Rob Bell is really on twitter. Hence the pauses.

@marni71 Were his tweets too specific and doctrinal?

@marni71 do you have a direct line to him? (wondering if it's the real Rob Bell)

@pwilson How am I supposed to lay down some life changing wisdom if I can't comment?

@pwilson Seriously, dude. I still can't comment on your blog. Get someone on that would ya?

@marni71 well

@marni71 it looks

@marni71 like him.

I wonder if


will have tweets

that look like this.

Rabid Rob Bell fans: Bring it!

@chrissulli So, what you're saying is you used to have bloggerrhea, but now you are blogstipated?

@Helenatrandom Well, I hope you're happy. You made me look, and now I just threw up in my mouth.

@Helenatrandom Sweet fancy Moses! Would you stop with the head cheese already?

@Becks_Beer Well, I like your face, but I'm shallow like that...

@tremendousnews That was funny. Pathetic and sad - but also funny.

@Becks_Beer Okay. I really like the other avatar better.

Hand to God - this is the most butt-ugly cat you're ever going to see:

Alright, gotta go watch Deadliest Catch to see if they piss and moan the whole time like they did last week.

@davidgs You're such a bad influence on me. Almost enough to unfollow. (But I can't.)

@davidgs Wow. I think you're more sarcastic than I am. That's a pretty big deal.

@shrinkingcamel seriously, Bradley! Do you not understand the power of shameless self-promotion via twitter?

@pwilson Okay, I just tried to leave a comment on your blog 3 times to no avail. I'm fixin' to write you a snarky anonymous email!

Okay! Who missed me? (Please don't crash the twitter with your overwhelming responses!)

@CandySteele So, I guess that dog's real name should have been "Unlucky"?

@marni71 Well, apparently Candy's dog ate his own testicles.

@redclaydiaries Some people love my abuse. I've built quite a following because of it. It doesn't rival yours, but still.

@redclaydiaries As to your comment on my blog? Shut up.

During a lunar eclipse, werewolves get stuck with just sideburns and a goatee. #randomfacts

RT @tremendousnews: I'm not saying she's ugly, but if she were a font, she'd be wingdings.

If you think it sucks waking up alone, think about spending eternity without the One who made you. (from my pastor this morning)

@CandySteele Well, it is after all, a Jesus Cheeto

@PuriChristos @weightwhat @CandySteele This conversation is going downhill fast!

@CandySteele @PuriChristos Or the Jesus Cheeto. Did anyone see the Jesus Cheeto?

@PuriChristos I think you should start the ceremony with "Maaa-wige!"

@charliewetzel two words: leaf blower. Also? Your wife want a riding vacuum cleaner.


Dang! Gotta go to the Kroger. They hate me there. Maybe I'll get some more incriminating pornographic cheese butler pics!

RT @AuntMarvel: In Portland on a layover getting my drunk on. And by "drunk" I mean "onion rings and ice water." HOLY HELL I AM SO BORING.

RT @davidgs: Pro Tip: You're not going to get rich quick with twitter. It's not magic. So please, bugger the hell off, would you?

@billycoffey burned meat and baseball? What a completely mantastic day!

Annnnndddd......That's what she said! Goodnight!

Hubby is finally home. Time to stop talking into the twitter.

I truly am shameless. ..

@MichaelHyatt Seriously, I gotta get me a copy of that book. You should send me one. A katdish recommedation is a rare & beautiful thing.

@CandySteele Look, I just watched 300 last night. Don't make me come to Iowa!

@weightwhat My HMC (honorary man card) is secure in my back hip pocket. Right next to my firearm.

Oh, what the CRAP? Creepy gecko lizard on the bedroom floor. Went to get a paper towel to pick it up, got back and it was gone! ARGH!

Oh shameless self-promotion, how I love thee...

@MichaelHyatt - I concur. You can't read everyone's blog. But you should totally read mine:

@Helenatrandom Glad to hear you're wearing undies.

Good Saturday Morning, Y'all! Who missed me?

Okay. Off to the post office to mail out flamingos and skank fairies!

Okay, wuddup with the astronaut robot retweeting my tweets?

All Right! Gotta go interface with the non virtual people!

@weschicklit are you kidding me? Put the twitter down, woman!

I'm sorry people. I seem to be having quite a few that's what she said moments, let's see: monkey butt

@kdet62 that's what she said.

AHEM! Please follow @godhasablog #followfriday. And remember to thank him in advance for the great parking space at the mall!

@Becks_Beer That's what HE said!

@godhasablog Oh, and thanks for answering the whole "where's my client contact folder" prayer.

Answer: If you were a client contacts folder, you would be under a giant pile of laundry. AHEM!

If you were a client contact folder, where would you be? Hint - not in my briefcase.

@redclaydiaries that's what she said..

@redclaydiaries I knew you were going to say that.

@muchl8r, @helenatrandom, @weightwhat - Skank fairies and plastic flamingo yard art in route today!

@oliveshoot Waste time on twitter (check!)

@redclaydiaries Or "learn how Twitter pays my bills". Yeah - if you live in a van down by the river!

Oh Houston humidity! How I loathe you!

You have a creepy brown avatar and your only tweet says "How to gain more followers"? Unfollow

@davidgs of course, I might be a tad jaded, I've worked on political campaigns before...

@davidgs regardless of political affiliation, they are mostly all hacks, and most would sell their grandmothers to gypsies.

Seen at the 12 items or less register: whip cream, douche and a lawn chair (hmmm....)

@davidgs oh, you're such a grumpy ho!

Now come on people. Follow me. It will be fun. Unless you're that creepy nasty Brittney chick that I had to block. In that case, "Shoo! Shoo!"


jasonS said...

you are twazy, completely twinsane, and I still believe you need an twintervention. Just saying what needs to be said. Opening paragraph was awesome BTW.

Helen said...

That was a fun walk down memory lane.
Thanks for keeping me all newborn kittenish.
If you follow me on Twitter, you have a 60% chance of understanding that last sentence.

Chris Sullivan said...

Somebody strike a nerve?

Peter P said...

I LOVED the speech!

It's just a proud day for me that I can illicit such responses from you as to be worthy of your Friday tweet-recap!

sherri said...

Yes, I say a "twittervention is in order"!

Are your fingers calloused? (You know, like a guitar player's?)

Billy Coffey said...

If that opening paragraph says anything about you, it is that your Man Card is eternally secure. It would've taken me a week to write something like that.

LeLe said...

Yea! I made it on the blog. Woot!


Candace Jean July 16 said...

I actually thought @billycoffey wrote that first paragraph. Then after that, my retinas started to bleed.

Is your @ key worn out yet?

Beth said...

Oh my sweet fancy Moses...

Is my mom following you? Because I would really like to see her face reading some of this.

katdish said...

Chris - No. Maybe. Can't say.

Sherri - I'm only a social twitterer. I can quit anytime I want to (Ping), right back.

Billy - Kewl. Thanks.

Candy - Snort.

Beth - Last time I checked she was, but she may have unfollowed me. I gotta be me!

Peter P said...

Billy - I'm 34 now. If I'd started writing that speech when I was born, I don't think I have been alive long enough yet to have written it as well as Katdish did.

I'm jealous that you think you could have done it in a week. :-)

You rock Katdish!

Wendy said...

What all this tells me is that I don't spend enough time on the computer. Clearly I'm not meeting my tweeting potential.

Christy said...

This is all Greek to me, or should I say "Tweek"?

Shark Bait said...

I'm not posting anything. I'm just sitting here in silence and judging you.


katdish said...

Shark Bait -

Just so you know, I'm printing your comment on high quality cardstock and having it framed!

That was a rare and beautiful thing.

Annie K said...

Of all that is good and holy... How do you have so much time for that? Do I have to quit my day job and get a tweetdeck?

And just what in the name of Habukkuk is a tweetdeck?

I'm such a twit...

Candace Jean July 16 said...

Annie, take it one from who knows (yes, I meant to say that). You'd like Seesmic better. Or not. Or TweetGrid. Or Twhirl. Aw heck, just find one that fits your personality. I don't think there's an app called Twit, tho.

Nick the Geek said...

OK I'm back in the twitterverse. According to tech support I "got caught up in some sort of spam cloud (through no fault of [my] own)."

Annie K said...

Thanks Candy. Big help. Now there are more choices?? AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!

katdish said...


There are advantages to being your own boss and being completely unmotivated.

Annie K said...

Apparently so but I don't know how my department would run without me though. They so need a bossy person.

Steph @Red Clay Diaries said...

Awww, thanks for that sentimental journey, katdish.

Real conversation between me ant @charliewetzel:

C: I see katdish is still bitching that I don't follow her.

S: On my blog comments?

C: Well, there, but also here in this tweet.

S: Oh yeah. She won't leave you alone, you know.

C: Well, I'd consider it, but SHE TWEETS TOO MUCH. Did you see the last 24 hours? My page would be filled.

S: You'd only see @ replies to the people you follow too.

C: Lemme count. (can you tell that he's the detail-conscious one?)

C: Okay. I count 20 tweets that I'd see in the past 2 hours.

S: Yeah. She's a twitter ho.

C: That's what she said. (He didn't really say that. But he would if he followed all our twitter conversations.)

JML said...

The STD fairies arrived yesterday, along with everything else. You my friend, are a good friend indeed! I liked the worship album, a lot! and give me some time, but we'll get to my plans with the girls. . .(questionable laugh)

Wendy said...

Katdish - You're sending out STD fairies now? What, the flying monkeys weren't enough?

mandy said...

You're very fun to follow, Kat. Very fun. :) I think that's how we found each other, right??

Elaina M. Avalos said...

I followed that Link Within or whatever it's called...that's how I found this post. So freaking hilarious. I don't see your Tweets anymore because I deleted the Twitter. But this is truly hilarious. You funny lady.